Like most Americans, I indulge in mindless reality TV now and then, but I’ve never gotten into the “celebrity reality TV” genre, other knows as “celebreality.” I don’t understand why people enjoy watching 1980s has-been celebrities and other D-listers desperately grasping for one last 15 minutes of fame. So when I heard about ABC’s upcoming celebrity high-diving show, I thought it was a joke. It’s not. The show is called “Splash,” and it’s coming in March.
This seems like a really, really bad idea to me, because (1) unlike dancing, cooking, and other competitive tasks attempted by celebrities on reality TV shows, high diving is actually pretty dangerous, and (2) does anyone out there actually care if Kendra Wilkinson, former girlfriend of Hugh Hefner, can dive?
I can only imagine the depth to which the celebrity reality TV genre might sink. At what point, are you going to see the following competitions?
- Celebrity Historical Reenactment. Want to see Bret Michaels, Gary Busey, and other washed-up celebrities reenact the Civil War? Me either, but if the History Channel gets desperate for ratings, maybe they should give this a try.
- Celebrity Toddlers and Tiaras. Let’s see what happens when celebrity moms parade their little girls around in these pageants. Maybe Kim and Kanye could enter their baby, because, hey, wouldn’t you like to see Kim and Mama June go at it?
- Celebrity Hoarders. You think the original show is creepy? Let’s find some hoarders with millions of dollars.
- Celebrity Ice Road Truckers. Yes, Ice Road Truckers was actually a show about truck drivers riding around in Arctic conditions. Can you totally imagine this as a celebrity competition show? Maybe Ricki Lake will sign up.
- Celebrity Human Wrecking Balls. Yep, Human Wrecking Balls is a real show too, which basically features a couple of big guys who destroy boats and cars and things with their bare hands. This may be the perfect venue for Christina Aguilera.
- Celebrity “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” Sadly, I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant is a real show as well (and sadly, one that I’ve actually watched) in which women reenact the night gave birth to a child they somehow didn’t know was in there. This would be harder to orchestrate as a celebrity reality competition show, but I’m sure the geniuses at TLC could figure out how to make this happen.
- Celebrity Extreme Couponing. Not for Gucci bags and designer duds, but for the same American cheese wedges and Tic Tacs that everyday people shop for with their piles of coupons. If they make this into a couples contest, I can totally see Heidi and Spencer signing up.
- Celebrity Dog Whisperer. I don’t know which way this show should go. Should Cesar Millan attempt to tame the dogs of celebrities? Or should celebrities compete for America’s Next Top Celebrity Dog Whisperer? The latter would certainly allow for some interesting weekly competitions.
If you have other ideas, I (and the rest of the viewing public) would love to hear them!