Merry Capitalismas, or, What if They Sold Christmas Decorations All Year Long?
Ho ho ho! It’s Christmas at Kohl’s! Never mind that I took this picture on September 14. Merry Christmas to all, or at least, Merry Capitalismas!
As a culture, pretty much everyone complains that ever year, Christmas decorations appear earlier and earlier in stores. All are in agreement, from the religious Christian to the Christmas-avoiding atheist to the hardcore Black Friday enthusiast to the last-minute shopper. September 14 is too early for a Santa Claus display. If we’re still wearing shorts, and we’re in the Northern Hemisphere, it’s not time for Christmas!
But this makes me think. Maybe it’s a lost cause. In the hypercapitalistic U.S.A., nothing sells better than Christmas. Maybe we have no choice but to embrace a day when Kohl’s has Christmas on display 365 days per year. I mean, hey, nobody knows for sure when Jesus was really born, right? In fact, to save merchandisers’ time, I’d like to offer some suggestions for year-round Christmas ideas.
Christmas on Halloween
Think of all the costume possibilities. Santa, reindeer, wise men, elves, Mrs. Claus. (Of course, there would have to be Sexy Elves and sexy Mrs. Claus, although probably not sexy Wise Men.) Also, the Halloween candy possibilities would multiply. Wouldn’t it be fun to hand out candy canes to trick or treaters?
Christmas on the 4th of July
Santa is already wearing red. He could just as easily wear red, white, and blue, and hand out patriotic candy canes. Let freedom ring—and jingle!
Christmas on Easter
Kind of confusing from a spiritual point of view. But genius from a candy point of view. Christmas Peeps! Christmas jelly beans!
Christmas on Valentine’s Day
It would be easy to add green to red heart-shaped boxes of candy. And mistletoe sales would go through the roof. Also, couples could have fun playing “naughty or nice” and “sit on Santa’s lap.”
Christmas on Groundhog Day
Who needs a silly groundhog when you have beloved Rudolph? If Rudolph sees his shadow, it’s six more weeks of winter. On second thought, maybe we should choose one of the reindeer without a light-up nose for this task.
Christmas on New Year’s
Now that Dick Clark has passed away, who better to host the Times Square ball drop than Santa? And on New Year’s Day, what better way to start off the New Year than with sales for next Christmas?
Christmas on Leap Day
What’s better than Christmas 365 days of the year? Christmas 366 days of the year!
Christmas on Passover
Even more confusing from a spiritual point of view. But they have Kosher-for-Passover everything these days, so why not a Kosher-for-Passover candy cane? Why not four glasses of egg nog instead of four glasses of wine? And while children leave a cup out for Elijah, they could also leave Kosher macaroons for Santa.
Christmas on Christmas
What better day to start selling next year’s Christmas merchandise than on this year’s Christmas? In fact, the stores could do one better and start selling stuff for Christmas three years from now on Christmas. Or five years from now. Heck, you could finish your Christmas 2023 shopping by December 28 of this year.
Please feel free to add your merchandising ideas below!
Thanks to Kathryn Shanahan for inspiring this blog post!